Somewhere between 7th and 9th grade, something happens to some boys (and a few girls)--they start to avoid going to school. They think, in a way that is not quite as developed as this: “Why would I put time and effort into something that makes me feel like a failure at a (sometimes) chaotic place where I don’t feel like I fit in?”

The bodies of these kids absorb the stress of school and it comes out in other ways: school avoidance, panic attacks, depression, being unable to go to sleep, tears, screaming, and fighting--with you. Lucky you. Because you, “Just don’t understand!!!”

Kids think, “Better to just ignore school. If I don’t think about it, it will magically go away.”

I call this approach “turtling.” Pull your head into your shell; bury yourself in your covers, lock your door, grab your iPad, put your earbuds in your ears, and pretend school doesn’t exist. We all “turtle” sometimes. I do it with taxes. (I really shouldn’t wait until April 14th to start my taxes…..)

So, where does this leave us?

It leaves us feeling helpless and alone, but you are NOT alone. You have lots and lots of company. Which doesn’t make your situation any easier, but it does make it very, very human, and unfortunately, very common.

Here are 4 things to do:

1. Find other people to help your child: mentors, favorite aunts and uncles, academic coaches, therapists, psychiatrists, karate teachers, soccer coaches, theater directors, etc. Teenagers need adult mentors to see them for who they are.

2. (Try to) be patient. Time is on your side. Teen brains eventually grow into 25-year-old mature brains.

3. Consider the big picture of why your child is struggling. Are they worried about a struggling sibling, a sick grandparent, or a parent who just lost their job? Anxiety and depression can be addressed through therapy and medication.

4. Consider other options. Schools can be switched. Homeschooling, at least for a time, is an option for some families. The GED is an option. Minnesota alternative schools educate students up until the age of 21. An online school is an option.

It all sounds less than ideal, I know, but fighting with your child every day is so emotionally draining that “Plan B” may be in order--“Plan B” may be the best way to go.

In the case of my oldest child, after years of school avoidance and anxiety and two years of art college, it seems that working on a goat farm outside of Seattle is the answer.

Well, who knew? I didn’t when she was in junior high, that’s for sure.